New Design + Horoscopes

I got bored with the rain design and decided to switch it up on you guys, how's the new design looking? Hard to see the type?

And this week's Onion online horoscopes:

• Aries It's very principled of you, not to mention brave, to stand by your beliefs, but by week's end you'll have graphically conclusive proof that bullfighting is not fake.
• Taurus This week's revelations will be especially traumatic for you unless you get it through your thick head that sex is natural and that there's absolutely nothing wrong with transvestism.
• Gemini You were just being clever, if a bit arch, when you said "Either this wallpaper goes or I do," but the wallpaper will use its powerful social connections to have you ostracized from polite society.
• Cancer You've always believed that everything happens for a reason, so there will probably be a perfectly reasonable explanation for what the less philosophical would call your senseless death next week.
• Leo It was probably a little cynical for you to have used such base physical tactics to get a husband, but on the other hand, he doesn't seem to mind.
• Virgo You've always thought your life would be better if you could go back in time and tell yourself a few things, so it'll be pretty depressing this week when you find out you've tried that already.
• Libra You've never claimed to be a genius, but you have a nagging suspicion that you should have known sheets could be changed.
• Scorpio Your drug experimentation enters an exciting new phase when you find one that makes the throbbing pain in your head subside almost completely.
• Sagittarius You will find precious little to live for now that the age of the extended synthesizer jam is well and truly over.
• Capricorn You can't understand why people keep telling you they're tired of your act. Why, the costume changes alone are nothing short of breathtaking.
• Aquarius Take heart—there is absolutely nothing wrong with love. However, be warned that love is not exactly what you're feeling for those poor terrified nurses.
• Pisces You will indeed live fairly fast, and you'll die relatively young, but no one will be able to say you left a beautiful corpse.