Your Weekly Horoscopes Via the Onion

• Aries The stars are beginning to suspect you think of relationships, dating, and in fact any romantic involvement whatsoever as nothing more than an excuse to make mixtapes.
• Taurus Don't wait until tomorrow to start living the life you want today. That said, it may take months to properly assume the identity of veteran character actor William H. Macy.
• Gemini You'll know you've picked the right wedding planner this week when he makes you list, from best to worst, your 10 favorite Rommel biographies.
• Cancer You take justifiable pride in your near-perfect infant-stroller design, but they'll still recall them all as soon as the deaths start.
• Leo Maybe it's just you, but up until the recent spate of news articles on the issue, you had no idea there were straight people in the military.
• Virgo The stars are genuinely sorry that they told your creepy coworker this would be a good week to make bold romantic moves.
• Libra People often overlook your generally optimistic nature and hopeful outlook, as well as the fact that living in an underground bunker is just plain cozy.
• Scorpio You will soon be the latest victim of society's unfortunate propensity to put the word "crazed" in front of the once-respected title of "gunman."
• Sagittarius Turns out there actually isn't an old saying that you can get away with anything as long as you're wearing a chicken suit.
• Capricorn There are, in fact, two kinds of people in the world, but if the stars told you what they were, you'd be shocked and possibly hurt.
• Aquarius The really strange thing, doctors will tell you this week, is that the worms just seem to be hanging out in your bloodstream as if waiting for a signal to lay their millions of eggs.
• Pisces Until next Thursday, you will have no idea what the world record is for stepping in bear traps.

Btw, great story here: UK teacher banned from teaching for life after being deemed "useless"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1322989/Nisar-Ahmed-The-teacher-banned-life-useless.html

Music: Modest Mouse - March Into the Sea
Just a crazy crazy song.